I didn't even realize that yesterday was 1 month that Ray's Dad has been gone, until I laid down in bed last night. Subconsciously maybe that is one reason why I was having such a hard time when it comes to memories.
Something else I thought about last night after getting off the computer was how much Dad enjoyed sending time with Juliana. For a long time lots of times we would over to his house which was more often than just Mondays and Fridays Juliana was born and he would keep her for Ray and I if we needed/wanted to go somewhere. Sometimes it was just for 20 minutes while we went to Movie Gallery to rent more movie because we had Powerplay. Lots of times we were rent scary or low budget honor movies because that what Dad liked more than anything. But even for those 20 mintues I always felt bad for leaving Jules with him as I felt like was dumping her on him. And the times when we would be gone for 2 hours running here and there, even though we were trying hurry, I felt horrible.
It wasn't until a few weeks or so before Dad died I realized how much it meant to him to spend time with her as they did. Much of the time she would play with or without him on the floor in front of his chair or even on his bed with her toys goofing round for awhile. Then Juliana would get tired and they would have a contest of who could fall asleep first hehe. I mean sure she put him through hoops sometimes too, but he didn't seem to love those times any less than the good times.
I don't have a problem with needing to take her everywhere with us now. I never really had a problem with it unless we had nasty weather anyway, but the one thing I do miss is a couples times Dad said he would stay home with Jules, so I could get a real break and go fishing with Ray, Jay, Jennifer and Ben. Otherwise Dad would have gone with them and I would have stayed home. But now it hits me really hard when Ray, Jay, Jennifer go fishing. It helps some that Ben stays with me and Jules, but it isn't quite the same when I really would like to go with them.
When it comes down to it, even before Juliana was born if I did go fishing with them I would fish for a while then put my pole down and enjoy the weather, unless of course I was catching fish. So now, I don't go fishing with them. At least not until Juliana a little older. Yes, there are family members that would keep Juliana for me, so I could go with them, but they are not "Dad". I mean no offense to anyone, it is just how I feel. Until I feel differently, I guess that is how it is going to be.
I sometime feel bed too as I think about the fact, Ray and I signed the final paperwork for the house on September 25, '09. Exactly a month later we all took Dad to the hospital. And almost two months after that he died.
